Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
