I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
