I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
