hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
