Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
