Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
