I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
