I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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