im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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