First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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