***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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