dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Boobs are out for the taking
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
