Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He has the fingertips of a God
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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