The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
smell my finger.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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