You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
