my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You took a bar mat shot.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
