I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
