got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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