she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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