just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
