I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
