it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
