did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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