just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
