In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
