The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I would fuck him just for his dog
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize