I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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