i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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