If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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