i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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