Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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