I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
