I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Randomize
