the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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