M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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