i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
How naked do you want me to be?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
