ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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