even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
We're too hungover to prance.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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