she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
