She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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