So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
dude i'm inner monologue high
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
