he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
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