shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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