watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
