It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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