I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
