I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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