His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
