This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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