Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think im going to throw up on grandma
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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