Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
